Now I’m not saying that I’m some kind of Nostradamus or something, since I have a pretty unpredictable track record with predictions. After all, even though I predicted that the Facebook IPO would be a train wreck, I also predicted that Peyton Manning would be signed by the New York Jets (who knew they would sign a third-string quarterback instead!) However, that didn’t stop me from making 13 predictions for this two thousand and thirteenth year after the death of Christ. From Twinkies to Lance Armstrong to General Petraeus, the emerging theme of 2013 is “The Comeback.”
1. Twinkies Find a New Home
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie forms an investor group and spends $1 billion to acquire the rights to Twinkies, making Twinkies the official snack of the Garden State. At every toll booth on the New Jersey Turnpike and Garden State Parkway, Twinkies will be sold in 2013. Simultaneously, Christie gives up the sweets and loses more than 100 pounds, because after all, like B.I.G. said, “Never get high on your own supply.” A percentage of every Twinkie sale goes to New Jersey coffers, resulting in millions of extra dollars in 2013, and other states take notice. Alaska is preparing a 2014 bid for Hostess' “Sno Balls” product line.
2. Lance Armstrong Makes a Comeback
After a disgraceful exit from the squeaky clean world of cycling, in which Armstrong was pointed out as having used PEDs (a shock to millions of cycling fans worldwide), Armstrong makes a 2013 comeback as the replacement for beleaguered New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. It is really an obvious transition for Armstrong, who wasn’t previously aware that PEDs are actually encouraged in baseball and in fact contributed immensely to a revival of the sport after the 1994 strike. If only Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were cyclists, then cycling may now be the third-most-popular sport in the US. Prediction: Lance hits .250 and doesn’t flirt with women in the stands or blow bubbles when he strikes out.
3. Mitt Romney Lands a New Job
After a bitter and disappointing loss to President Obama in the 2012 election, Mitt Romney rebounds to have a strong 2013, landing the lead-role in “The Book of Mormon 2.” In the sequel to the smash-hit Broadway production, Romney plays an out-of-touch businessman who regains his love of life (and the poor) after heading on a mission trip to North Korea, where he ultimately succeeds in bringing Mormonism to North Korean leader Kim Jong –Un. North Korea joins the United Nations and becomes a bastion of democracy and Romney is named Times’ “Person of the Year.”
4. Gangnam Style Involved in a pyramid scheme
It is revealed that Psy bought upwards of 137 million “YouTube views” from Fiverr and his surpassing of Justin Bieber as the most-watched video of all time on YouTube is stricken from the record books. Psy continues to deny the accusations until Bernie Madoff is revealed as bankrolling the entire scheme, and the FBI becomes involved. It is also revealed that the “horse” that Psy is pretending to ride in the music video is actually a dog, which is subsequently eaten at the end of the song.
5. Facebook enters the Search Arena
Mark Zuckerberg has his sights squarely set on search giant Google and rolls out “LookBook,” a new search-based website that culls personal data from more than 1 billion Facebook members and enables users to find out personal information about any member of Facebook with a simple search. It also initially features a clean advertisement-free display that is quickly replaced by 1995-style pop-up advertisements and a new feature called “TomeLine” which offers books at discounted prices to users in exchange for their social security numbers and cell-phone passwords.
6. General Petraeus Resurfaces on Television
After the nation was gripped by the intriguing sexual-laden tale of petrayal featuring the top military man in America and his biographer, a spurned wife, some random socialite from Florida and an unnamed FBI agent, General Petraeus resurfaces in 2013 as a contestant on the hit television show “Dancing with Four-Stars.” Of course, the other contestants are Biographer Broadwell, Random Socialite, and the now-named FBI agent. I don’t want to spoil it, but let’s just say Petraeus got them moves like Jagger.
7. Apple Maps Amazing Historical Impact
A historian from Politecnico di Milano, a leading Italian University, uncovers why cartography-challenged Christopher Columbus set sail for India and landed in the Americas. It appears that his mapmakers were actually ancestors of the technical team at Apple Maps, and accidentally drew the map backwards, which encouraged Columbus to embark on his infamous voyage. Columbus had originally acquired a map that was correct in scale, but it was accidentally used as a layer in a lasagna.
8. The Mayans make a comeback
After leading alien historians and unemployed poll-workers convene at an undisclosed location deep in a South American jungle, it is revealed that due to further calculations and a slight amount of guesswork that the Mayans actually predicted that the world would end on 13/13/13. It appears that the Mayans didn’t count on calendars having 12 months, just like they didn’t count on the United States’ odd refusal to accept the simplicity and elegance of the metric system. Carry the one and divide by the square root, it appears that the end of the world will happen on January 13, 2014.
9. Robots take over
This one has been in the works for a long time now, but as soon as the makers of the Roomba lower the price of their auto-vacuuming robots and the average person can afford one, almost every home features one of these seemingly harmless robots. It starts with the Roomba’s 8 megapixel camera beaming images of humans back to command central, a hollowed-out cave deep in the mountains of Colorado where Deep Blue masterminds a dramatic takeover of the human race, using an electronic shock handcuff to ping people’s cell phones and subjugate them to the whims of the Roombas.
10. Hockey makes a dramatic move
After failing to come to an agreement with the players, the NHL brain trust decides to move Hockey north of the border to Canada, where it apparently garners viewers on television. There are initially some mild complaints by a handful of hockey fans, but they are quickly silenced by a generous offer by the Canadians to give every hockey fan in the United States free access to “NHL League Pass,” which broadcasts every single hockey game. It is estimated that this offer costs the Canadian government upwards of $3,200 Canadian dollars, roughly equivalent to $1.2 million US dollars.
11. Congress passes a bill
After months of inaction, an 18% approval rating and a permanent lame-duck distinction, Congress finally passes a bill in 2013. Rather than address the Fiscal Cliff, the debt-ceiling debate or gun control, however, the law that passes both chambers and is signed into law by President Obama declares Doritos Locos taco shells delicious and decries that Taco Bell must start selling them in supermarkets so citizens can see what they taste like with real meat inside. Shares of Taco Bell skyrocket and its stock price surpasses Facebook’s, making a Dorito Loco share more valuable than a “sponsored story.”
12. Clint Eastwood makes a surprising business move
The famous actor embarks on a new business venture and lends his name to a new line of recliners to be sold at Ikeas around the world. These “ReClinters” are surprisingly affordable and are soon a staple in most American homes. They feature a small rectangular pocket in the arm rest in which to store a pack of Marlboro Reds and also come with some of Eastwood’s most famous catchphrases available at the touch of a button, including some from his famous 2012 RNC speech like “I can’t tell him to do that to himself.”
13. Tom Brady lands a new endorsement deal
Tom Brady has one of the most recognizable coifs in all the land, and uses it to sell everything from cars to women's *ahem* men’s boots, but his new deal turns heads from New England to Old England when it is announced that Brady will be the spokesperson for Vladimir Putin’s new line of high-heeled shoes, the “Putin Nesca.” To kick off the marketing campaign, Brady struts the runway in Milan in his new heels while Gisele cheers him on from the sidelines. A smiling Brady tosses a free pair to his friend Wes Welker in the audience, but Welker drops them on the ground and the Pats lose another championship.