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Cuban woman smoking cigarThe Artist Formerly Known as "WTF Are You Lookin' At?", yesterday...

Today, as the stampede begins to buy Beyoncé tour tickets and find tickets to the Jay-Z "Legends of Summer" tour, there's a lurking suspicion that the artist formerly known as Beyoncé Giselle Knowles and her husband, the artist formerly known as Shawn Corey Carter, might be involved in some cloak and dagger stuff. The glowing duo recently vacationed on the island of Cuba, home to one of America's bitterest enemies. What made Beyoncé and Jay-Z's trip to the Caribbean island so interesting is that it's illegal to visit the Communist state for the purpose of tourism. So illegal, in fact, that Mr. President Obama Himself was forced to weigh in on the issue after his political rivals demanded an investigation. In response to Cuban-American Republican Senator Marco Rubio's claim that the US was "allowing people to travel to Cuba as tourists. They’re delivering hard currency to a tyrannical regime who then turns around and uses that to oppress its people", Obama said, "I wasn’t familiar that they were taking the trip".

The Face of EvilObama is Satan and don't you forget it, kid.

Why the outcry?

Well, as stated above, Americans aren't permitted to visit Cuba as tourists. Given that this trip was to celebrate Jay-Z and Beyoncé's five-year wedding anniversary, it kinda falls into that category. However, the U.S. Treasury revealed the couple took the trip on a so-called "people-to-people license," which restricts US citizens' to a very specific plan. This wasn't good enough for Rubio.


"Quite frankly, I think it’s hypocritical of the people who took that trip, because they didn’t go down there and meet with some of the people that are actually in trouble today," he raged, adding somewhat unexpectedly,"there’s a rapper in Cuba; there’s a hip-hop artist in Cuba who is on a hunger strike and has been persecuted because he has political lyrics in his songs ... I wish they would have met with him. If they really wanted to know what was going on in Cuba, they should have met with some of the people that are suffering there, not simply smoke cigars and take a stroll down the street."

This concern of Rubio's for the downtrodden rap community of Cuba is quite touching. He is, after all, the son of Cuban immigrants, and has fallen foul of his own Conservative cronies of late. First, there was the Tea Party backlash, in which Rubio's views on immigration were targeted, and then everyone's favorite Republican ranter Glenn Beck called Rubio a "piece of garbage" because he helped Democrats with their immigration reform plan. This Latino song Rubio's singing is quite novel politically, but what of Jay-Hova and Sasha Fierce and their US Treasury-approved "cultural exchange"? How did they manage to pull strings and obtain permission? Why can't normal Americans go to Cuba?

The reason, we're told, is because the Cuban government doesn't "respect the basic rights of all its citizens". There's even talk of spying and torture! How ironic then that the US chose to locate its own torture chambers in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they knew such activities as waterboarding, sensory bombardment, sleep deprivation and extreme temperature exposure could be happily performed without those pesky things called human rights getting in the way. Of course, Jay-Z and Beyoncé didn't visit Guantanamo. No, they stayed in the swishest sector of Havana and revelled in that capital's fine dining establishments. But why?

Cuban flags

If you listen to conspiracy theorists, they'll tell you that Obama's celebrity parties at the White House are in fact recruitment drives and planning sessions for future visits to rogue nations. The widespread belief that Beyoncé is part of the so-called Illuminati doesn't help; it's easy to make the short jump from "Illuminati" to "CIA mind-controlled slave" if you're following the wacko websites and Twitter feeds of the more extreme whistleblowers. And I am.

But there's more.

Another American celebrity, athlete Dennis Rodman, also visited one of our staunchest foes recently. Rodman visited with North Korea's Kim Jong-un, spending personal time with the supreme leader for his role in a Vice HBO documentary series. The funny thing is, Rodman wasn't even first choice for the part; ex-Chicago Bulls teammate Michael Jordan was, but, according to Shane Smith, founder and chief executive of the Vice Media Group, "Jordan wasn’t interested." The HBO partner probably managed to persuade the North Koreans to participate in the film because of Kim Jong-un's unfortunate fascination with NBA merchandise, based on this not-at-all-Photoshopped evidence. Kim's dad, Kim Jong-wotsit, actually owned a Jordan-autographed basketball (given to him by Madeleine Albright during a visit in 2002), so the NBA theme could well be genetic.

Dennis Rodman hugging Kim Jong-unWe won't forget this, Rodman, you dirty bastard.

The tinfoil sombrero brigade claim that Rodman is also an MK Ultra CIA mind-controlled maniac clown, hellbent on wreaking havoc and destruction on an unsuspecting mankind (come to think of it, he did appear on the UK Celebrity Big Brother once). They base this on the fact Rodman enjoyes transvestism, body piercings, hair dyeing and embarking on "basketball diplomacy" missions to weird hostile faraway lands. This tendency to send celebs abroad on secret missions isn't new (assuming you believe it); During WW2, it is alleged that legendary comedian Bob Hope worked with Britain's MI6 to deliver trigger words to mind-controlled "super-soldiers" on the front lines while touring military bases with a bevy of beauties such as Marilyn Monroe, Ginger Rogers and Doris Day. Hope earned the nickname "the Illuminati Pimp" among those in the know, as many of his charges were used by high-ranking generals as sex slaves. But that's a whole other PowerPoint presentation, folks.

Dennis Rodman in full bloomFriend or Foe?

Jay-Z and Beyoncé's Cuba trip ruffled more feathers than Dennis Rodman's Korea adventure, which doesn't make sense. At the exact time Rodman went to North Korea, Kim Jong-un was threatening to annihilate America with nuclear weapons. Photographs of crazy Rodman embracing the krazy Korean - and declarations of "best friends forever!" - didn't exactly quell rumors that Rodders was up to something. Or else a massive scoundrel.

I could go on, but I've already said too much (as people say who have actually said very little). There's the other recent scandal of Lil Wayne accidentally stepping on an American flag! Don't believe me that Lil Wayne accidentally stepped on the American flag?!? Check out the video in that link. It's scandalous!

Beyonce as BaphometThe lustrous mane of the reptile lies beneath.

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