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FAC51This one's for the cool kids (Knobheads).

Let the War of the Rose Bowl commence! While dervishes swirl madly around the hallowed halls of Manchester, celebrating the demise of manager David Moyes, tickets to LA Galaxy vs. Manchester United are the talk of Tinseltown. For a game to be played at the Rose Bowl, for crying out loud. Share price for MANU on the NYSE was rumored to have risen and the grey skies have finally gone away (in L.A. at least, not sure about Manchester). Moyes, the leather-faced pretender to the Manchester crown has finally been deposed, with the Gallant Ryan Giggs stepping in to take the reins. Very apt, given that the Shrivelled-Headed One was planning to force Giggs out of the club this summer. What a bloody fool!

Los Angeles Galaxy fans must now be salivating at the prospect of facing a rejuvinated United. The Red Devils will now bring their A game to the Rose Bowl, so Major League Soccer's finest better gird their loins (whatever that means; sounds a bit dirty to me) in preparation for the onslaught. I imagine anyone who knows their football and lives in the Greater Los Angeles area will want to buy tickets for this one, but sources tell me they'd better be quick: This is a World Cup year, so many ball-footed men are showcasing their feet and the biggest clubs will want to snap 'em up. The men, not just their feet, obviously. Who knows, maybe Galaxy fans will get to see a new United signing play even before the Manchester faithful do!

50 stars 13 bars. MericaMerica.

Galaxy vs. United at the Rose Bowl doesn't come around too often, like, never really. Thankfully, David Moyes won't be there to soil our virgin memories of this special event, as the Hollywood (well, Pasadena) outfit try to upset United ahead of their next Premiership campaign. Expect to see hangers-on and bandwagon jumpers galore, such as the dreadful Gordon Ramsey, Drew Carey or the lovely Eva Longoria. Actually, strike the last one; she only used to go when she was hanging out with the Beckhams, probably to show the world what an upgraded Posh Spice actually looks like. In fact, she only ever went to one game, versus the NY Red Bulls, to my knowledge, so write this entire paragraph off to shameless rubbish-talk that was a dire attempt at pretending I know anything about the Galaxy, or indeed the MLS. I'm a soccer snob; if it ain't European or South American I don't wanna know. Nah, only joking, son. I'd love to be at the Rose Bowl on July 23rd. Shame David Beckman ain't still there. But Galaxy are no pushover, with Landon Donovan and Robbie Keane in their lineup, not to mention Juninho and Leonardo. Not that Leonardo, obviously. If it was that Leonardo United wouldn't stand a chance. Then again, United do have Rafael, so maybe one mutant ninja turtle would cancel the other out. I don't know that much about it, to be brutally frank with you. Maybe Beckenham will be there after all!

By the time this match takes place the World Cu-, sorry, I mean the Tournament That Dare Not Speak Its Name, will have come and gone, as will the International Champions Cup. What revelations will have unfurled by then? Who will be world champions? Will the strange-headed Dutchman, Louis van Gaal be running the Red Devils? So many questions, so little time. But does time even exist? Another question, my sons, and one we may never answer. Maybe you believe in a temporal mass of infinite size and shape(s), a decaying, regenerating wotsit that lurches blindly on, orbiting in swirls light years in diameter, its totality denied only because of its vastness, but all along the whole kit 'n' kaboodle's a bit silly, really...every advanced civilization, every hero, every great leap forward...all just self-contained unconscious milestones in the life of an eternal blob. There's no end to the universe's mysteries, chief of which has to be how did David Moyes end up as manager of Manchester United? And WTF is a "kit 'n' kaboodle", anyway?

But I digress. We were talking about the Galaxy. The other galaxy. Do they have what it takes to marmalize the mighty reds of Manchester? United are unsettled at the moment. They don't even know who their manager is, what with Sir Giggsalot referring to Sir Alex as "the manager" last weekend, despite supposedly filling the role himself, albeit temporarily. Manchester is a football gaff, though, make no mistake about that. They even have the National Football Museum there. It's a strange glass building that looks like a cross between a ship and the pyramid of the Illuminati, complete with a dirty big eye on its hull, or whatever it's supposed to be. But forget museums, think to the future. The Rose Bowl is a great place to pitch this battle of the white versus the red. It's like the Wars of the Roses all over again, only in sunny Pasadena instead of some rain-lashed hillside near Leicester. Leicester! Ugh. Tara.

The National Football MuseumThey Live.
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