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Are You a Cheat?

October 4, 2013
Paparazzi and tween starPearls before swine.


It has become somewhat fashionable to attack Miley Cyrus on this blog in recent weeks, and who am I to buck a trend? It seems Ms. Cyrus, who serves as high-octane fuel for the Disney juggernaut, is determined to go all the way to Mentaltown. She's festooned across all media as ever, not necessarily for the right reasons. Her post-Hannah digital presence is directly related to high-profile drug use, simulating sex with 37 year old men, and those twerking dwarf slapfest antics of late, so please make way while I take a good swing at her myself. Only joking. She's a child, for god sakes.

In a fortnight that's also seen Justin Bieber scolded and spanked by Zach Galifianakis, Amanda Bynes declared mentally incompetent to stand trial for her DUI offence (as well as throwing a bong from the 36th floor window of her Manhattan apartment) and more strange claims about Michael Jackson's final hours, the mind reels at the type of sh*t that really goes on out there. What is it about child starlet munchkin types that sends them plowing purple pastures at the funny farm by the time they're old enough to procreate?

But back to Miley. Maybe.

Teen stars and developmental disordersRussian doll of nested identities or toxic flower?


You're probably wondering why this article is called "Are You a Cheat?" and yet doesn't seem to be about cheating. That's a good question, chiefly aimed at the subject of this cheap shot disguised as a blog post with an intriguing title. Well, Cyrus-Montana's a girl who began her public existence as a dual personality - living a double life - when she was just 13 years old. Last week Miley "split" with her fiance Liam Hemsworth (see what I did there?) amid admissions that she wanted out of the union months before it was officially over. To be fair, the 20 year old has actually been pretty steady in her relationships, especially when compared to the likes of perennial romance victim Taylor Swift.

However (yep; I just started a sentence with "however", but I started one with "But" earlier and you let that one go, so what's with the attitude, now, Grammar Nerd?), all those parties, that salvia video, the endless round of mutual ass-kissing and posturing and hot young people crammed into sweaty rooms backstage, in Hollywood mansions, or Cannes, or one of those festivals that used to be cool but aren't anymore, or Sodom and Gomorrah, the Seventh Circle of Hell, on and on, blah, blah, bbllluuuuurgggghhhh! *wipes mouth* Apologies; This peyote doesn't agree with me. I'll clean it up later.

Anyway, my point is that basically we're now living in a movie and we're constantly manipulated by the media into believing that the world is a malleable 4-D series of soundbites and talking points populated by perfect 10's who live on steamed broccoli and quinoa and if we don't get it together and join them on the treadmill we're no better than vile trolls who belong under bridges. Now, imagine not being you, but being programmed and handled by virtual "owners" since you were a child and known to millions of people who scrutinize everything you do and say? Indeed, being part of the plan. When did it become OK to allow this to happen to young people? And don't mention Shirley Temple or so help me God I'll do something I'll regret for the rest of my life...Not sure what, like, but I'll think of something.

Under this kind of microscope, you'd need an out. A double life. You'd need to cheat.

Does constant scrutiny breed the need for alter-egos that literally possess the "real" selves of today's celebs? Here are some examples:

  • Beyoncé: Sasha Fierce
  • Lady Gaga: Versace Gaga/Saint Laurent Gaga/Armani Gaga/Balenciaga Gaga/Joe Calderone
  • Nicki Minaj: Cookie/Female Wheezy/Harajuku Barbie/Lap Dance Nika/Roman Zolanski/Martha Zolanski/Rosa/The Ninja/The Boss/Lewinsky/Point Dexter/Nicki Teresa/Norman/Tyrone (14)
  • Miley Cyrus: Hannah Montana
  • Mariah Carey: Mimi
  • Katy Perry: Kathy Beth Terry
  • Janet Jackson: Damita Jo
  • Mary J. Blige: Brook Lynn
  • Justin Bieber: Shawty Mane
Fame is fierceSasha La Vista, Baby. Oh, never mind...you had to be there, I guess.


I could mention Garth Brooks's sortie into the strange eye-liner'd world of his alter-ego, Chris Gaines, but honestly that's just too f*cking weird for me. So let's stick with the ladies. Sorry Justin. Today, that bastion of all that's good and wholesome in America, Walmart, announced their decision to pull the "Naughty Leopard" costume for little girls off shelves following complaints that the thing is ghastly and perverse. And it is. Exactly what kind of parent was this outfit aimed at- Oh, hang on. Sorry. The kind of parent who wants to feed a Miley to the Disney machine, or worse, the kind that don't mind their little princesses looking like fake crapola versions of Miley and Co. so long as they don't have to go through the kidnapping and mind control part. In short, you get what you pay for. Only kidding; Miley's actually pretty darn cool.

So, are you a cheat? Come on, you can tell me. I won't say anything.

Do you have a refuge where you shelter from the storm? A compartmentalized other self you can occupy when things get too real? I bet when you clicked this link you thought the article would be a test to determine whether or not you were capable of infidelity in your relationships. 99% of people probably clicked the link for that reason, though the majority wouldn't admit it. This tells us something about the escapist nature of modern society. Surveys have shown that one in 10 single men would prefer a new iPad to a new girlfriend. They've also revealed that 40% of women in the UK have punched or kicked their partner so, well, things are a trifle rough all round.

Teens on drugsCool!!!


The proliferation of internet romances via dating websites (plus rekindling of old flames via social networks like Facebook and Friends Reunited) has spawned a generation of middle-aged cheaters, young adult dating addicts and high school amateur porn publishers and worse, rape glorifiers. This is the era in which Miley Cyrus has come of age. So she likes smoking weed. Big deal. D'you think she'd be more marketable if she was ultra-squeaky clean? Nope. She's at an age now where young people are doing "crazy sh*t", just like Justin Bieber. Driving cars too fast, playing music too loud, experimenting with psychedelics. I wouldn't be surprised if they're doing these things because they have to, to guarantee appeal to the kids who used to think they were cool because they were just like them and now, well, they're still just like them!

I should probably apologize for the misleading title of this piece. I did it on purpose to make you click. And if you've actually made it this far I owe you one. How about you leave a comment and divulge your own form of escape from reality? Cheating at life is no laughing matter, kids.

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