It would stink if it wasn't for charity.
When I dragged myself from my pit this morning, the only thing on my mind was a Spaniard who has been teasing me for weeks. His name is Cesc Fabregas, and he plays football - sorry, soccer - for FC Barcelona. Over the past month there have been rumors flying around, to the effect that Fabregas is going to sign for Manchester United, the team I love. Unfortunately, any substance that might propel these rumors into the land of the possible are unforthcoming. I am forced to conclude, at this point, that it's all a steaming pile of horsesh- I mean manure.
Even more shocking than the Fabregas non-story is this morning's sensational news: One Direction's Louis Tomlinson
has been signed by English Championship club Doncaster Rovers! Good grief, is this true, I asked myself, as I struggled to put my jeans on and gulp down a mug of PG Tips
. Surely this Tomlinson kid is a namby-pamby-nancy-boy, accustomed only to frolicking with his bald-chested bandmates in recording studios? How could he brave the cut and leg-breaking thrust of professional football?!
But no: A quick check on Twitter revealed that the wires were aflame with the news. A member of One Direction really had signed for a professional soccer team!
"The word's gone mad," I muttered, stuffing a piece of toast, sideways, into my swinelike mouth. "Completely mental!"
However, there is a twist to this tale. Tomlinson has signed for Doncaster Rovers, yes. But...he is only doing it as a publicity stunt for charity. Meanwhile in Barcelona, Cesc Fabregas and his agent, Darren Dein (himself no stranger to conspiracy theories)
, are alleged to have had a secret meeting with MUFC's Edward Woodward
(no, not that Edward Woodward! Though his "Callan" character is the perfect sidekick for Sir Alex Ferguson's "Taggart"). Dein, meanwhile, denies the move!
Ooh, it's bloody annoying.
Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah, 1D's Louis Tomlinson signing for Doncaster Rovers. What an odd trick! Back on Twitter (where all the top journalists go for their
news), not everyone is happy. Here are some tweets, from both camps, pro and con, on this phenomenon:
Well those guys clearly don't think much of the exciting news, but here's some more committed One Directioners lending their support to budding football star Tomlinson:
So, as you see, the jury's out right now. We'll have to keep track of this smashing development, as there's still a possibility that more members of One Direction will be signed by professional football clubs and will go on to glittering dual careers. I can just see it now; Justin Bieber
, his blood-stained rugby shirt in tatters, as he leads his adopted country, England, to the Six Nations Championship. Maroon 5
, making up almost half of the L.A. Galaxy team
, proving they got the moves like Jagger in a whole different way...
Right now, the soccer transfer window is open, and the world's soccer fans are salivating over every morsel of rumor they can find regarding their own clubs. Manchester United in particular are speculating wildly about Cesc Fabregas; Will he or won't he? HE'D BETTER!!!
Sorry. I need to chill, now. To curl up in a corner and answer all questions with a simple "Yes" or "No" written on the palms of my hands, which I shall display only to policemen or psychiatrists. It's been a long transfer window, this. A One Directioner playing for %$#^&* Doncaster Rovers indeed!