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Stop the Illuminati!The game's up, suckas!

Before you pretend not to read this article, don't worry; I've got you covered. I know; you don't suffer fools, you're a go-getter, no time for frivolity from the tinfoil hat brigade. Which is kind of weird, 'cos you are sitting there reading this, aren't you? Never mind. You're in now, so you might as well embrace your inner idiot. Those who enjoy late nights on the computer watching endless YouTubes of crashed UFOs and grassy knolls know what I'm talking about. As Agent Mulder once said, "I want to believe". Life would be complete crap if some of these supposedly insane conspiracy theories weren't at least partly true and chill out, forget you're one of the Sheeple for a while, and enjoy.

In honor of the year 2012, and the imminent approach of the end of the world, here are the 10 best conspiracy theories of all time.

1. Roswell and Area 51:

UFO crash at Roswell"Oof! Zoegfhruhn, vot de ^~`'| voz dat?!"

You're a total loser who needs to get a life if you've never heard of the Roswell crash or Area 51. These two are cardinal points in the aliens and flying saucer mythos. The Roswell incident went like this: A load of aliens in a flying saucer were flying over New Mexico in 1947, when one of them made a complete bollix of a manoeuvre and SPLAT! - they hit a hillside and the military came and took the debris and little grey alien bodies away and one of them was possibly even alive, and they locked it in a room to keep it secure. All the townsfolk went bananas. Decades later there are still people insisting that this really happened, as they hustle you into their museum and souvenir shop where you can buy little alien dolls and bumper stickers. EBE-1, the alien survivor, went on to earn an associate's degree in English (presumably) and passed on many secrets to the US military - which is where Area 51 comes in. Area 51 is an experimental air base where aliens live (not EBE-1; it died in 1952, but several others from other crashed discs) and cooperate with the military in their quest to conquer the universe by back-engineering crashed alien technology. So now you know: We are not alone.


HAARPHAARP, yesterday.

Called "The Moby Dick of conspiracy theories", the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP for short) is a big weird sciencey-type place full of antennae in Alaska. Basically, HAARP is capable of affecting the electromagnetic portion of the atmosphere, possibly to the point of affecting weather and the tectonic plates that compose the continents. The remote station is owned by the US military. Conspiracy theorists have built quite a list of the evil things they use it for. I hope you're sitting down for this, because not only was HAARP responsible for the 2011 Japanese tsunami, but also several quakes in China, Haiti, Chile and other countries. HAARP has also been blamed for mysterious incidents in which thousands of birds have literally fallen dead out of the sky, and gangs of fish discovered floating dead on the surfaces of lakes and ponds. World leaders, including Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez and Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, have blamed HAARP (and by extension America) for earthquakes and weather control. Most chillingly, several years ago, former Japanese Finance Minister Haika Takenaka claimed his country was threatened with an "earthquake machine" by a secret elite banking cabal that runs the planet. The reason? Japan had paid off its World War Two debt and the banks wanted to lend it more money. Problem was, they didn't need any money. So the elite cabal causes an earthquake, messes up the place, and guess what? I've already said too much.

3. The Philadelphia Experiment:

The Philadelphia Experiment"For some reason, I keep thinking it's Tuesday..."

Phew! Yep, that HAARP stuff is no small potatoes, huh? For relief, let's go on to something more entertaining. The Philadelphia Experiment (or Project Rainbow) was a naval project that sought to render large military hardware invisible. Sounds daft, I know, but they did it, dude! It was all based on mad Einsteinian equations and cosmic knowledge and stuff. It went down like this: The Navy put all these fellers on the USS Eldridge, then docked at the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard. The plan was to merge electromagnetism and gravity in order to bend spacetime and create an invisible time-machine cloak thingy. Sounds completely barmy, right? Well, the bugger disappeared alright, but what happened next wasn't on the itinerary; the Eldridge was teleported 200 miles to Norfolk, Virginia, where it sat a while, before vanishing again and reappearing back in Philadelphia. Unfortunately, it reappeared 10 seconds back in time and several of the sailors' bodies had become physically fused to the steel structure of the ship! Other crew members simply vanished forever while others went extremely mentally ill. This is what happens when you mess about with nature, folks.

4. 9/11 Was an Inside Job:

Jane Standley on 9/11The BBC, Reporting Events From the Future Since 2001

Nobody will ever forget the world's most sensational terrorist attack. Especially the really weird parts, like i) Three enormous steel-framed buildings collapsing through the path of most resistance (their own footprint) at free-fall speed, while numerous firemen and maintenance people reported hearing "bombs" exploding up and down and beneath the towers; ii) Alleged Chief Hijacker Mohamed Atta's passport surviving the 2000-degree carnage only to be found in pristine condition on a sidewalk near the WTC; iii) No real wreckage or bodies from Flight 93 (as opposed to Pan-Am 103 and TWA 800, both of which exploded and fell from tens of thousands of feet and were rebuilt and examined forensically by authorities); iv) A hole in the Pentagon a fraction the size it should have been, while exposed offices within the impact zone clearly showed equipment, furniture and books undamaged by the smoke and fire the airliner's 8,600 gallons of fuel should have caused; v) Both CNN and the BBC reported the collapse of WTC Building 7 before the event actually happened, an error they called "an innocent mistake"; vi) Shortly before 9/11 an "extraordinary" number of put options were placed on the stock of the two airlines involved in the attacks, indicating that people knew it was set to plummet; vii) Aaaaaggghhhhh-!!!!

In case you're wondering why 9/11 would be perpetrated by "insiders", please refer to #'s 2, 5, 7, 8 and 10 in this list. They're all (incestuously) related. Thanks. Also, the now famous documentary, "Loose Change", which coalesces all the strange events of that fateful day and beyond, is well worth an hour or so of anyone's time (apart from yours and mine, 'cuz we know it's all bullsh*t, right?).

FreemasonsA block off (free) masonry.

5. Faked Moon Landing:

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", were the immortal words of astronaut Neil Armstrong, as he lumbered from the lunar module onto the moon's surface. Or did he? There are some who reckon they never went to the moon and experienced that "magnificent desolation". Instead, they say Stanley Kubrick faked the entire thing for NASA and confessed as much via numerous secret symbols in his later production "The Shining", starring Jack Nicholson as protagonist Jack Torrance. Among claims made by moon landing conspiracy theorists is the fact that the same moon mountain appears as a backdrop to several pictures supposedly taken in different locations (and in fact Buzz Aldrin, one of the Apollo 11 astronauts, had his photo taken in front of an identical mountain in Hawaii in 1969!) The great moon hoax doesn't end there though; the tread on the moon-boots later exhibited as Armstrong's doesn't match that famous photo of his Giant Leap left in the lunar dust; studio lights can be seen reflected in the astronauts' visors; the atmosphere-less moon's surface is bombarded by millions of tiny meteors every second, any one of which could destroy equipment or kill a human being; a "tinfoil" spacecraft could never survive passage through the Earth's Van Allen Radiation Belt; do you really want me to continue? Because I never ends.

6. 2012; The End of the World:

NibiruCheck the skies, she's almost here!

Not exactly a conspiracy theory, really, but not exactly not a conspiracy theory either. The End Of The World in 2012 has been linked to ancient civilizations, aliens, the global elite, astrology and the coming of a mysterious prodigal planet called Nibiru (or "Planet X"). Generations of nutcases have been waiting for 2012, fearful that the ancient Mayan calendar ends on December 21st, 2012 for one very good reason: Cosmic-level cataclysm that will purify the planet of the ills which are poisoning her (which, in case you didn't know, is pretty much us), plunging the world into a new cycle. The Mayan civilization collapsed over a thousand years ago, so I'd say that it ends just because, well, ain't a millennium into the future enough for now, Mayan calendar-making guys?!?! Others, like Zecharia Sitchin, have predicted the return of "Planet X", a rogue world on a crazed elliptical orbit that passes through the solar system every 3,600 years. According to Sitchin, Planet X deposited a super-intelligent alien presence on the earth during one of its rare drive-bys, who eventually created a hybrid race of semi-human reptilian gimps. The gimp lizard bloodlines have retained control of the earth until the present day (see #10 in this list) and are now the royal families, presidents, etc. Anyway, not the point. The point is some foolish peeps think the world's gonna go all pear-shaped on December 21st, 2012. 64 days and counting...63...62...61...we'll see.

7. Assassination of JFK:

JFK shot in DallasNothing's ever as it seems.

This one's simple; the Kennedys were a shameless lust-crazed gaggle of corrupt fatheads who crossed the wrong people and got their just desserts. Kennedy family patriarch Old Man Joe built a total myth of nobility and #winning-ness around his immoral brood. Father Joe and others worked diligently to bribe, threaten and con powerful people into allowing all manner of Kennedy cheating to go unnoticed. Consequently, this buck-toothed quasi-reptilian gene pool attempted to leave an unblemished mark on American politics. They failed miserably. JFK was in reality a shadow of the Hero President Americans believed him to be; a serial adulterer, he suffered from Addison's Disease (which he denied point blank) necessitating a daily regimen of cortisone, amphetamine (and testosterone to combat the gonadal shrinkage caused by the steroid applications), to overcome his secret frailty. So, this secretly sick "hero", whose bootlegging father double-crossed La Cosa Nostra (by using them to influence union votes in Illinois but never repaying the favor) and on who the quite concerned FBI were compiling a thick dossier of disgust (thanks to his endless philandering behind wife Jackie's back) had it coming to him from several directions. See what I did there? This one is a no-brainer. Nothing to see here. Move along, a**hole.

Jigsaw of IlluminatiPutting the pieces together, one by one.

8. Global Warming and Peak Oil:

I bet you're a well-informed, cutting-edge dude or dudette, huh? You'd drive a car that ran on liquidized circus peanuts if you could, such is your commitment to SAVING THE PLANET. Well, kid, I've got news for you: "Global warming" is a natural phenomenon. Ask any geologist. Just remember not to call it global warming. It's global climate change. Even our beloved ozone (O3) is a greenhouse gas. It blocks the ultraviolet light coming in, but it also blocks infrared radiation from re-entering outer-space. Does this mean we should try to strip off the ozone layer? Nope. Public Enemy Number One here is good ol' carbon dioxide (CO2), right? Wrong; naturally-occurring water vapor accounts for much more than CO2. Plus, volcanic eruptions expel thousands of times more CO2 than humans annually. Now there's a cocktail party douchebomb you can drop on those damn hippies next time you get the chance. We couldn't match nature's giant chimneys if we tried. Meanwhile, the tinfoil hatters insist the fossil fuel elites are to blame. Y'know, George Dubya an' his reptilian cronies? Which brings us to the Peak Oil conspiracy. This one's a good 'un, mainly because the tinfoil hat brigade have kinda missed the point, but the geologists and economists didn't. So-called Peak Oil is basically the concept that global oil reserves "peaked" sometime in the past and are now ever-dwindling which, surprise, surprise, means we have to pay ever-higher prices for the stuff. Peak Oil is based on an erroneous report made in 1956 that the peak would occur in the late-60s to early-70s. When that didn't happen, the prediction was moved to 2006, but unfortunately all that's happened is that oil has been made to appear scarcer and is more expensive than ever. Meanwhile, all around the world, PhD students and other academics are working tirelessly not to save the planet but to secure grant research money and maintain the lie.

9. Spaceship Moon:

David Icke probably tells this wackiest of wacky stories the best of all. Basically, the moon isn't what we think. It's really a great hollowed-out rock that the ancient aliens used as a bloody big spaceship to travel to the earth many thousands of years ago. There are supposedly prehistoric stories, oral accounts of the time the moon first arrived in our skies, describing many cataclysms caused by its presence. (Supposedly, the moon being hollow makes it extremely susceptible to orbital alterations would would in turn affect the oceans and tectonic plates of the earth) Once the devastation and mayhem was over, the aliens placed the moon in an orbit that made it appear exactly the same size as the sun. They also set it spinning at a rate of one rotation every 24 hours, which meant the same side of the moon was always facing the earth. This is apparently because the so-called "dark side" of the moon is bristling with giant alien constructions and even cavernous holes in its surface which they didn't want us to see. They then set about shrinking the minds and memories of human beings, causing them to forget the horrors they'd seen. This, according to crackpot lore, is how the aliens wiped out large numbers of the then "mystic, multi-dimensional" population, only to re-stock the race with hybrids (humans with alien DNA) who are programmed to control the minds of global society by means of ritual Satanic abuse, religion and warfare. Which brings me to...

10. Lizard Elites, the Illuminati and New World Order:

Bohemian Grove MolochWorshiped by the wisest men in the world?

So...I know; things have gotten pretty damn silly at this point, but bear with me, it's all about to be tied together (well, not all, but a lot of it). Let's see...what do we have here? Aliens arriving in a hollowed-out "mooncraft" (or a strange planet that passes by every 3,600 years), mating with humans to create an elite bloodline that goes on to conceal the existence of UFOs and perpetrate many attacks and insults on the human race. According to conspiracy theorists, there are 13 alien bloodlines known as The Illuminati, and they are able to shape-shift through different dimensions and morph into their true form: 7-foot tall lizards. There are scores of political and other organizations said to be dedicated to the secret Illuminati control of humankind, such as the Freemasons, Skull and Bones, The Council on Foreign Relations, The Trilateral Commission, The Speculative Society and the Bilderberg Group. World leaders and royal families have long been recognized as forming an incestuous web of secretive interconnections, and it is via these organizations that the lizard elites operate in the light of day. Among the more notorious annual celebrations enjoyed by these cold-hearted beings is the effigy sacrifice to the owl god Moloch, at Bohemian Grove in northern California. Renowned leaders from throughout the world make their way to the Grove every year in order to enact the ritualistic murder of a child. (Is this the semi-public face of a dark cabal who actually use child sacrifice as a qualification into an exclusive club that then confers the power to go on to murder many millions more as a King, Prime Minister or President?) If the conspiracy nuts are right, the powerful people of our world really are the vilest bastards imaginable. Which kinda makes sense, when you think about it. I hope you enjoyed this all-too brief rundown on what I consider to be the best conspiracy theories of all time. I'm sure you'll have other ideas or can provide surplus information regarding these fantastical nuggets of our age. Please feel free to leave comments. Happy trails, then...

Satanic abuseThe New World Order, Practicing Satanic ritual abuse since who knows when?

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