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You might think you've peeked the scene
You haven't, the real one's far too mean
The watered down one, the one you know
Was made up centuries ago
It may just sound all whack and corny
Yes, it's awful, blasted boring
Twisted fiction, sick addiction
Well, gather 'round, children, zip it, listen!

- Nicki Minaj

As Lindsay and her mother Dina Lohan sped away from Manhattan’s Electric Room in the back seat of their SUV, one can only imagine the conversation that ensued. Early reports suggested that her mother Dina was so high on cocaine that she bloviated for 10 minutes about her mortgage problem to the towel girl in the ladies room because she thought she was talking to Lindsay. It was later reported that Lindsay herself had fabricated the coke rumor to elicit sympathy from her absentee father, but whatever. The ripples were felt across the TMZ “newsroom” and further afield in the blogosphere as tabloid writers tripped over themselves reporting on the story that never was.

To the untrained eye, Lohanosaurus Rex, or Lo-Rex, as her close friends and family like to call her, may appear to be another out of control celebutante veering drunkenly from one tabletop to the next, but a closer look reveals her finely tuned mastery of multi-platform storytelling.

Having already conquered the Hollywood blockbuster, celebrity DUI, rehab, felony grand theft, ankle monitoring, incarceration, probation and Playboy centerfold, Lo-Rex’s personal life already overshadows the past heights of her success in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. Rather than toil under the oppressive yoke of the Hollywood studio system, Lo-Rex is using her status to land camp film roles only to remain in the spotlight while she practices her experimental metatheatre in the public eye.

Like past celebrities who appeared to self-destruct on the world stage, Lo-Rex is part of a secret cabal of actors and musicians who mix comedy with tragedy and self-loathing in a nonsensical theatre of the absurd. Rather than the cliché it appears to be, Lo-Rex’s play-within-a-play where she repeatedly gets drunk, drives and threatens to wing innocent bystanders is really a complex commentary on the theatricality and false realities of life around us. We get you Lindsay. Well played.

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