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Facebook IPO

With Facebook’s IPO range increasing to $768 trillion dollars, people are inexplicably scurrying to plunk down between $34 and $38 for a piece of the social media juggernaut. In the latest can’t miss dot com gold rush, Facebook and CEO Mark Zuckerberg are counting on several air-tight facts of history to ensure that the IPO goes off without a hitch. First, dot coms have always held equity over the long term and the stock market has always smiled kindly upon internet companies that don’t produce any viable manufactured product except a massive drain on worker productivity in offices all across the world. Secondly, underwriting a chunk of the initial IPO is JP Morgan, one of the safest and most reliable companies in the industry who rarely makes even the smallest of poor decisions. Thirdly, the Federal Trade Commission’s review of the grossly inflated Instagram purchase that has inspired Facebook to push back the anticipated timeframe of the deal will blow over and won’t even cause a ripple. Lastly, and most importantly, the opening screen of Facebook that says “It’s free and always will be” can easily be scrubbed clean once Facebook starts charging you for your posts to reach more of your friends. Think that that will never happen? You must not live in New Zealand. Here are ten things that are better to spend money on than Facebook stock.

1. North Korean Rocket
You can’t go wrong with a North Korean rocket. They are relatively cheap (instead of feeding your country you can purchase one for only a few $100 million) and they always hit their mark. Assuming the mark is harmlessly crashing into the ocean. Hopefully Facebook’s stock won’t face the same trajectory.

2. Polaroid Camera
Now that Facebook has spent $1 billion on Instagram, why not purchase something even better? Not only can you take a picture and have it simultaneously developed on real paper, you can add a filter and effects to the photograph with crayons and colored pencils. Astounding.

3. Blockbuster and Borders Bookstores stock
While many industries have crashed since the advent of the internet, two things remain unaffected: physical books and renting movies. In order to topple these juggernauts, a company would have to figure out a better way to deliver movies to someone’s house and a way to make books digital. The stock prices are also probably cheap right now.

4. Dinner with a real friend
A recent study suggests that most people have more than 200 friends on Facebook. Instead of purchasing a stock in a social media company, why not take a real friend out for some real person-to-person interaction? You can afford drinks and dinner – especially with all these 2 for $20 deals at chain restaurants.

5. 22 stocks of MySpace
How could this backfire? MySpace is a sure fire success, the first of the social media companies with a rabid fan base and unprecedented growth potential. Plus, it will trade at like 100 to one with Facebook. Oops. You can actually afford 23 stocks now, it just dropped again.

6. Season tickets to the Charlotte Bobcats
Poor Michael Jordan is in over his head with the Bobcats. If he ran out on the court, he could start for that team right now. On the bright side, for the price of just one stock of Facebook, you can get season tickets to the Bobcats. I think even the Tarheels are ranked higher than the Bobcats in the ACC this year.

7. Madoff Investment Securities
Old Bernie Madoff, the architect of the best pyramid since Giza, has years of investment experience and he always makes money for his clients – sometimes even alarmingly obscene amounts of returns. Like most people, don’t ask questions when you see huge returns. Why would you question such huge returns? If the Mets didn’t invest with Madoff, they never would have got to ship Reyes out of town.

8. 3 Taco Bell 12 packs
There is nothing more valuable than tacos, especially with the weakening of the dollar and rising commodity prices. Gold? Sure it’s shiny, but is it delicious? Taco Bell has figured how to keep taco costs down by using seaweed in their meat mixture. Little do they know, I love seaweed.

9. China Google stock
Sure, China is not very friendly to Google at the moment. Does that mean that Google will never penetrate the Chinese market? They said people would never forgive Tiger Woods either, and now he is revered as an ambassador of golf again. If you invest in China Google, you won’t have to worry about government regulations. They are notoriously business-friendly.

10. 1 gallon of gas
Sure, Facebook stock may in fact blow up and you will be a millionaire in a few short millenniums. But will Facebook stock actually do anything for you right now? A gallon of gas can get you anywhere from 15 miles to 50 miles away, depending if you’re a Hummer or Hybrid. Oil prices are anything but volatile, so make sure you grab a gallon, dig an oil tank in your back yard, and don’t even think about extracting that oil for at least 50 years. That one gallon of gas will be worth upwards of $7 million in 50 years. Of course, accounting for inflation, that will only equate to about $6.50 in current dollars. Of course, the return may be higher than your Facebook stock.

Disclosure: “Jeremy is actually not a stock analyst, and may be deliberately misleading or straight out making up claims. Take his advice with a grain of salt. Leave it to the real analysts at Lehman Brothers and the smartest guys in the room at Enron to bank your hard earned money with. The only Bulls and Bears Jeremy is familiar with play in Chicago.”

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