The 2012 NBA Playoffs are fast approaching, like Khloe and Lamar’s impending divorce, inevitable since Mark Cuban laid off Odom on that Shark Tank show. So far, the 2012 NBA playoff matchups look like this: in the Eastern Conference first round it’s Bulls vs. Sixers, Heat vs. Knicks, Pacers vs. Magic and Celtics vs. the Hawks. In the Western Conference first round, it’s Spurs vs. Jazz, Thunder vs. Nuggets, Lakers vs. Mavs and Clippers vs. Grizzlies. There is no shortage of spectacular storylines for the NBA’s lockout-shortened 2012 season come playoff time: Will the Miami Heat and the big two get their first of eight promised championships? Can Derrick Rose return in time to help the Bulls’ bench (the best team in the NBA) lose in the Conference finals again? Will the Spurs' Tony Parker steal another teammates' wife? Will the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Durantula take their backpack all the way to the NBA Finals? Who wins the battle for Los Angeles, Kobe Bryant and the Lakers or Blake Griffin and the Kia-lippers? If you are looking for answers to any of these questions, you came to the wrong place…this isn’t PTI. However, I am here to tell you about 10 2012 NBA Playoff Scenarios you won’t hear about anywhere else. Unless they bugged my office or something or the Patriot Act hasn’t expired yet. What? Uh oh…
1. Nash dunks on Duncan
Now I know the Phoenix Suns haven’t made the 2012 NBA Playoffs yet and may not make it at all, but while Steve Nash hasn’t dunked on anyone yet in his lengthy NBA career, it is only a matter of time. He saw CP3 dunk in a recent game and is getting jealous, and he hasn’t forgotten about that time the Spurs shoved him into the scorer’s table and bloodied his nose a few years back. Nash also doesn’t want to leave the NBA letting Vince Carter remain the best Canadian dunker ever. Check out Nash in the video below, where he is referenced as having a “small Canadian body.” We’ll see who’s laughing when Nash is dunkin’ on Duncan.
2. Kobe makes a game-winning pass
Just the mention of Kobe Bryant making a pass makes me chuckle, but after years of ball-hogging, I think Kobe Bryant is ready to make a game-winning pass. Here is the call from TNT’s Reggie Miller: “Kobe Bryant gets the ball at the top of the key. There are eight seconds left on the clock…7…6…5…He is triple teamed. He turns, pump fakes, and puts the shot up…IT’S A PASS! KOBE BRYANT PASSED THE BALL! THE LAKER’S WIN!” Pandemonium ensues, Mike Brown thanks Kobe for saving his job, and Andrew Bynum gets suspended for no reason.
3. Metta World Peace pulls an MJ and changes back into Ron Artest
Just like when Michael Jordan changed his number back to 23 in the middle of a playoff series against the Orlando Magic after a poor game (I still have nightmares of Nick Anderson stealing the ball and Horace Grant dunking to beat the Bulls), Metta World Peace is going to change his name back to Ron Artest after a poor game in the Lakers first round matchup. Immediately after he changes his name back, David Stern will recognize him, a fan will throw beer on Artest, and Artest will go into the stands and punch the wrong fan. After another incident, David Stern will suspend Artest from the NBA for life, and Artest will move on to become the New Orleans Saint’s new defensive coordinator.
4. Jeremy Lin does a Willis Reed impression
After Carmelo carries the Knicks all the way to the 2012 NBA Finals in a matchup against the Clippers, the series goes back-and-forth and reaches a seventh game. The Knicks brass are vindicated when Jeremy Lin returns to the Knicks with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter of game seven. While Lin turns the ball over 8 times in the last two minutes, he hobbles over to the corner and hits a rainbow jump shot with 10 seconds remaining, securing the NBA Championship for the Knicks. Knicks fans celebrate, forgetting that Melo got them all the way to the Finals, and the media has a field day with new Jeremy Lin puns and giving way too much credit to Lin for the win.
5. Kim Kardashian gets tired of dating athletes, so she asks out Chicago’s Scalabrine
Kim Kardashian has been rumored to be dating Kanye West, but she quickly reconsiders when she realizes that he is actually a producer emulating a rapper (think Puff Daddy in the '90s). In an effort to find true love/get another reality show, she seeks out another potential husband. Not wanting to date another musician or athlete, she searches for a humble, down to earth, non-athletic red-headed man with a big heart. She finds her perfect match in Brian Scalabrine, the Chicago Bulls thirteenth man. (Scottie Pippen is still ahead of Scals on the depth chart). The two get married in an idyllic Irish village, Kardashian collects millions for letting the E Channel exclusively film the wedding, and the two divorce 13 days later. Kardashian forgets to sign a prenup, and Scalabrine is rich beyond his wildest dreams.
6. Lamar Odom returns to LA when Khloe gets signed by the LA Sparks
Speaking of Kardashians, Khloe is devastated when Lamar is cut by the Dallas Mavericks and is determined to get back to Los Angeles. After realizing that Lamar is washed up, Khloe trains with A-Rod in Germany and becomes quite stronger and suddenly good at basketball. She is signed by the Los Angeles Sparks and Khloe and Lamar make a triumphant return to Los Angeles. Lamar stars on the first season of “Basketball Husbands of LA County.”
7. Greg Oden gets signed by Orlando and takes Dwight’s place
After the Magic realize that they have zero chance of winning since Dwight Howard is out for the season, savvy GM Otis Smith trades away Jameer Nelson and Ryan Anderson for Greg Oden without realizing that he could have just picked him up off of waivers for free. Oden has a great first game for the Magic, scoring 25 points and pulling down 14 rebounds. In his second game, Oden re-injures his knees by Tebowing right before half-time, and is out for the entire 2012-2013 season. The Magic lose and exit the playoffs. Head Coach Stan Van Gundy is fired, Dwight Howard leaves for the Brooklyn Nets, and GM Otis Smith keeps his job (and gets a raise).
8. Kendrick Perkins gets his revenge and dunks on Blake Griffin
Just like in one of my favorite classic novels of all time, “The Count of Monte Cristo,” revenge is a dish best served cold and never eat muscatel grapes in the house of your enemy. Ever since Kendrick “Always Scowling” Perkins got brutally dunked on by Blake Griffin earlier in the season, he has been counting the days until he can put his weight back on and dunk on Griffin. Perkins has been on the Shawn Kemp diet, eating nothing but donuts and drinking gravy as he beefs up for his chance to get back at Griffin. Of course, this hinges on the off-chance that Blake ever attempts to play defense.
9. Kevin Durant appears on a weight watchers commercial with Charles Barkley
After witnessing Charles Barkley’s Weight Watchers commercials, Kevin Durant becomes enamored with losing weight and joins the Chuckster in a new campaign. In homage to the Stephen King movie “Thinner,” Durant keeps losing weight until he can barely stand. He is still deadly from three-point range, however, and Russell Westbrook carries him to the locker room after the Thunder beat the Miami Heat in the 2012 NBA Finals. Thankfully, Durant’s teammate Kendrick Perkins tells Durant about the Shawn Kemp diet and Durant is gently nursed back to health. Unfortunately, Charles Barkley hears about the donuts and gravy staples of the Shawn Kemp diet and regains his title as “The Round Mound of Rebound.” Weight Watchers fires Barkley and hires Kendrick Perkins.
10. LeBron James hits a game winning shot
This may be perhaps the most unrealistic scenario of the entire blog post, but it is bound to happen. Yes, I realize many of you are saying, “What about that three LeBron hit against the Magic while he was in Cleveland?” Well, that was mostly luck, but I see your point. Did you see the look on LeBron’s face when he hit that? He was as shocked as everyone else. If he actually tried to make that shot, it never would have happened. This is the year, however, that LeBron hits a game-winning shot, although it is only because Dwayne Wade sits out for the fourth quarter so LeBron isn't intimidated into passing the ball. Yet, if the Heat win it all in 2012, it will probably be because of Dwayne Wade. One thing we can all agree on is that it certainly won’t be because of Chris Bosh.