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Google's Goggles

Why does “Project Glass” sound sinister, like someone plans to give you a glass of wine with crushed glass in it? Sorry, I’ve been watching the new Game of Thrones season and it seems like everyone is always trying to assassinate someone else. Ever since Ned Stark got his head chopped off, it seems no one is safe. Of course, since Google’s motto is “Do no evil” we should not expect anything sinister from their new Star-Trek-inspired glasses that will help you see a computer in front of your retina all day. It even has voice activation so you can ask it “Why am I getting hit by a bus right now?” and it will answer “Because you are updating your Facebook status while crossing the street.” If you want to see the rose-colored-glasses view of what awesomeness these new Google goggles will provide, view the propaganda video below. I, of course, am here to tell you a few unique benefits and also why the masses should fear the glasses.

Before I get into some wonderful Google fear-mongering, let me outline a few benefits of these glasses that Google hasn’t touched on yet. First, these new glasses can have an x-ray vision feature that turns everyone into a TSA agent. No longer will frisking be required at the airport, we can see right through you into your soul and quickly tell if you are hiding drugs in your rectum or bombs in your underwear. That is one Google plus. Also, since these glasses “augment reality,” they may make watching horrific things like Nicki Minaj performances a little more palatable. Another benefit is that you can quickly see people’s relationship statuses, so that way you can tell if someone is lying when they’re like “Oh, I actually am in a relationship.” “Liar!” you cry, “My futuristic glasses tell me your relationship status is single.” Finally, cheating on tests/quizzes/SATs will be much easier. All you have to do is wear the Google contacts and mutter to yourself “When did the Bolshevik revolution take place?” and the answer will appear right dead smack in your cornea. The funniest part of the Google video is when it was like “Add this picture to my [Google +] circles.” The proper statement would have been “Add this picture to my Facebook status.” You know even futuristic spectacles that augment your reality can’t make Google Plus cool. Ok, enough benefits – now let me tell you why Project Glass will become as evil as Microsoft’s Project Monopoly.

First off, why is Google so powerful? How do they make billions of dollars while the little people like you and I get excited when we save $3 on skydiving with our Groupon? Advertising. Do you really think that advertising won’t somehow factor in here? Here is a scary picture I will paint for you: It’s Valentine’s Day, 2018 and you and your significant other are preparing to go out to dinner. (Of course you are both wearing Google contacts since the glasses were so 2016.) You lean in for a kiss. Bang, a pop up comes right into your pupil “Cheap Canadian Viagara!” It’s a slippery slope. Also, assuming that the Patriot Act is still in effect, since the government already listens to your cell phone conversations and reads your text messages, why wouldn’t they watch what you see? Imagine you are planning a vacation to China and are looking at a travel website. Somehow, when you tell your glasses to look for “China Vacation Packages,” it actually takes you to a site about “Chairman Mao and his Marxist political philosophy.” Suddenly you hear a loud knock at your door. You open it and it’s Tom Cruise from Minority Report warning you that the government is watching you and Scientology is real. Then federal agents show up and throw you and Cruise into the loony bin. Yeah, it could happen. I have only touched on the tip of the iceberg, so please comment below on either a unique benefit of these new Google Goggles or a scary possibility that Project Glass will introduce. Just be careful, the Eye of Sauron is always watching.

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