Why would John Elway trade in the chosen one Tim Tebow for Peyton Manning, an old man with a stiff neck? Something sinister is going on in the Mile High City, and Elway is at the center of it. Everyone knows the Broncos and Denver itself is an evil place…have you heard about the Denver Airport Conspiracy and seen that demonic horse? Another disturbing thing: with a stiff neck, how can Peyton Manning Tebow? He may be able to kneel down, but he can’t bow his head. After some research (about 30 seconds on Wikipedia) I think I have figured out why John Elway is evil and why he traded away God’s favorite quarterback. And no, it’s not just because Tim Tebow is not a quarterback.
Turn back the clock to just before the 1997 season. John Elway (if that’s even his real name) had led his Denver Broncos to three Super Bowls during the previous decade, but failed to win each time. The aging Elway ruptured his biceps during a 1997 preseason game, and things were not looking good for the quarterback. However, on a dark and stormy night, without surgery, Elway’s ruptured bicep magically healed itself and he returned only 19 days later. Somehow the Broncos returned to the Super Bowl on the strength of Elway’s mysteriously healed arm that year, and despite putting up Tebow-esque numbers in the Super Bowl (11 for 22 completions, no passing TDs, an interception and a rushing TD) the Broncos managed to win Elway’s first Super Bowl. So, how can a man who is supposedly a legendary quarterback put up numbers eerily similar to another much maligned Denver Broncos quarterback named Timmy and still win a championship? Quite simply, when Elway’s bicep ruptured during the preseason, he sold his soul to the devil in order to win a championship. I know, it’s disturbing. Especially since Elway’s number was “7,” supposedly the Lord’s number. And now, more than a decade later, Satan is cashing that check with an ultimatum for Elway: “Get rid of Tebow, my son. I am tired of teenagers kneeling down in their high school hallways in prayer in emulation of Tim Tebow.”
Now, you may be quite skeptical of this story, but I can tell you it is 100 percent true. Why else would Elway be so anti-Tebow after Timmy led the Broncos to the playoffs and a wildcard weekend win over the Pittsburgh Steelers? Another thing that is disturbing is that Elway endorses LASIK eye surgery. So that means not only was he blind when he “miraculously” led the Broncos to the Super Bowl, but he has had lasers shoot from his eyes. What other famous Denver Icon has glowing red eyes? Exactly, the demonic horse at Denver Airport. After the ascension, John Elway is going to climb atop the horse and ride throughout the post-apocalyptic waste land that used to be America, collecting souls for the dark prince.
Our only hope is Tim Tebow. Never has someone won NFL games with such terrible performances. He has to be the chosen one. Someone has to stop Elway from destroying the world as we know it. Tim Tebow obviously has a gift, and that gift is that he has a unique ability to directly speak with God and have his prayers answered immediately. The thing is, he has been praying for victories on the football field. How else can you explain someone with the quarterbacking ability of Brandon Jacobs ability to win football games in the NFL? Tim Tebow, we beseech you, please pray for John Elway to repent for selling his soul to the devil and turning that horses’ eyes red. Never has anyone said what I am about to say: We need Tim Tebow or we will all lose.