Back in my tweenage days, all the ladies loved the New Kids on the Block, your parents (not the government) made you eat broccoli, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the best cartoon ever. Now tweens have their own cell-phones (you should see when they all step out of school to get on the bus, it’s like a Verizon Wireless commercial), and I have seen one text to the point that she had to put a band aid on her phone to hold it together. Tweens have their own sitcoms like ICarly and the Wizards of Waverly Place, and reality shows like American Idol and the X-Factor have completely changed the landscape of the tween music scene. Now, V-neck t-shirt spokesman and male version of that mean English woman from “The Weakest Link” Simon Cowell has singlehandedly changed the face of music by creating the greatest British boy-band of all time (just ask a tween if one is near, you may have to pry their fingers off of their slide-phone first).
Who is One Direction? They are only the greatest musical act to hit America’s shores since the Beatles. Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis are like Justin Bieber times five, with something he never could boast of: accents. One Direction has produced such classics as “What Makes you Beautiful” (makeup?) and “Gotta Be You.” The One Direction concert tour is selling out faster than the US National debt is rising. Of course, the lame-stream media has dubbed it the not at all cliché “British Invasion.” Laugh if you may, but I doubt the Native Americans or French are going to help us this time. It’s not just the tweens who have fallen under the spell of One Direction either, which makes it even scarier. I recently witnessed my 30-year-old friend Tim transfixed by One Direction’s You-Tube music video, so mesmerized by the melodic harmonies that he was forced to read the lyrics that scrolled across the screen so he would be prepared to sing along the next time he heard “What Makes You Beautiful.” Even Kanye West, after viewing the music video, said “I’m sorry Beatles, but One Direction had the greatest music video of all time.” Then he took another swig of Hennesey and repeated, “Of all time.” In fact, One Direction has already turned the economy around, ended the recession, and solved the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, all while writing and directing the Hunger Games. Not just the greatest musical act of all time, they are probably the greatest thing to ever come out of Britain since Margaret Thatcher’s hairstyle. If you haven’t already, join the 3.8 million on the One Direction FaceBook page, where you can see tweens profess their love for One Direction - I’m not sure, but I think some of the Italian tweens think Harry Potter is a member of the group.
In other tween news, I’m sure most tweens around the country are closely following this week’s Supreme Court deliberations over Obamacare, otherwise known as “that free healthcare that Bieber and One Direction get.” (Since they are from Canada and Britain…never mind.) This is all you need to know: “broccoli” was mentioned eight times in recent arguments, since if the government can force you to get healthcare through an individual mandate, then why can’t they force you to eat broccoli since it's good for you? Whoa, you mean Mom can threaten us with “If you don’t eat your broccoli, the government will garnish wages from your paper route paycheck?” Exactly. Tweens, write your Supreme Court justice and tell him, “Don’t mandate broccoli consumption, you socialist.” And make sure you sign it “sincerely.”
Also, I must warn all the tweens out there, DON’T see Michael Bay’s “Tweenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” After ruining the Transformers by letting Megan Fox act, now Bay has his sights set on ruining another classic by turning the turtles into aliens. What? Aliens are neither mutants nor ninjas. That’s almost as lame as when Spielberg and Lucas introduced aliens into Indiana Jones. What’s next, Michaelangelo is no longer a “party dude,” instead he spends all his time on Facebook and texting the other turtles the latest meme? What is this world coming to? Smells like tween spirit.