While the nation’s unemployment rate is hovering around 8.3 percent and slowly dropping, a certain Indianapolis Colts quarterback recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, reversing the trend. The Colts decided they didn’t want to hold on to Peyton Manning, instead focusing on rebuilding with either Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III at quarterback. According to the Colts owner, the blue-collar Jim Irsay who flies around in his private Jet, (hmmmm Jets?) the $28 million bonus Manning was due this Thursday had absolutely nothing to do with the decision. Of course not, since when does money influence a business decision?
As America watched, Peyton did his best Bret Favre impression during a tearful farewell press conference where he said “I’ll always be a Colt.” Except for the fact that he is no longer a Colt…it’s not like quarterbacks are Supreme Court justices and serve for life or something. Anyway, I’m sure a bunch of “experts” are going to write articles about the top landing spots for what will certainly be the most coveted free agent ever since LeBron James and Brett Favre and until next year when Dwight Howard becomes the most coveted free agent ever. I honestly don’t care what team he ends up on, since I have the luxury of having the 2012 Super Bowl MVP Manning on my team, who is younger and slightly more goofy looking than the older Manning with the surgically fused neck. My money is that he takes his talents to South Beach…it’s warm and that’s where old people go when they retire. If for some reason Peyton’s bionic vertebrae don’t hold up and he is forced to leave football, however, I have some great potential landing spots for him.
Vote for Peyton!
If the recent Super Tuesday GOP primary results are any indication, Republicans haven’t found their Mr. Right yet and are still looking for an electric candidate to take on Barack Obama in the 2012 election. Previous polling showed that Denver Broncos’ running back Tim Tebow would beat any of the GOP candidates in a head-to-head matchup, so imagine what a six-foot-five 230-pound quarterback with a laser rocket arm could do against Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. Plus, it has been previously reported that Peyton has donated $8,000 over the last few years to Republicans including George Bush, so he obviously already has the interest in politics. Hey, if Manny Pacquiao can enter the political arena, why can’t Peyton Manning. He’s a proven winner and he has an engaging personality, a pretty nice fortune besides a recent $28 million loss, and he would energize the 2012 election. Peyton in 2012! Plus, since Peyton is so great at calling audibles, he would be great with foreign policy: “President Peyton, Israel just bombed Iran.” Peyton: “Netanyahu 42, red button-press left.” The possibilities would be endless. I even have a campaign slogan for the Manning campaign: “Manning for President 2012: My Daddy is Archie.” The only potential problem he might have is winning in Massachusetts, since the Patriot fans hate him, but Republicans rarely win in Massachusetts anyway. I rest my case. Peyton for Prez.
SNL needs someone funny
When Peyton Manning appeared on Saturday Night Live in 2008, it was one of the highest rated shows ever. And another thing, someone on Saturday Night Live was actually funny for the first time in years. If that fat kid from Kenan and Kel can make it as an SNL cast member, Peyton should be a shoo-in. The only person even remotely funny on SNL for the last several years has been Tina Fey with her Palin impressions, so Peyton would instantly be the funniest cast member. And he could make fun of Tim Tebow! Peyton Manning should call up Lorne Michaels right now and negotiate a $28 million signing bonus and he wouldn’t miss a beat. Saturday Night Live could use some star power, I heard they were recently so desperate for ratings that they had some train-wreck celebrity fresh out of rehab host. Yeah, the world has forgiven Lindsay Lohan and let her back on television, and she rewarded us with an outstanding opening monologue. Actually I’m not sure since I didn’t watch it. But if Peyton Manning was on SNL, you can bet that I would tune back in.
Really quickly, some other potential jobs for Peyton Manning…Tiger Woods’ caddy, Rush Limbaugh’s publicist, Snooki’s fiancée. What??!!! Sorry, apparently someone has already applied for that last job. Wow, I guess the unemployment market really is rebounding.
Please use the comment section below to suggest some more jobs that Peyton Manning could do in case football doesn’t work out.