We at Live Toast do occasionally write technical posts, just to let all you cats know that we're down with it. Know what a mean, Dawg, DOWN with the kids? In this age of rock-star coders and cookie-stuffing affiliate marketers it's easy to become bewildered by the tech tsunami and assume bloggers like ourselves aren't part of the struggle. But we are. We're freaking NINJAS, biatch, and don't you fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-reakin' forget it, ai'ght? Haha, juss kiddin' with yer, son. If you were right here right now, I'd take a quarter out from behind that lil ear of yours and give itcha as a memento from the day you met the kickass kings of SEO - The LT Firm: Feared, Adored, But Never Ignored. Imma tryin' a get the other Toasties to adopt that as our gang motto but they got they own shizzle fryin' on the back burner. OK, maybe that sounded a bit weird and smelly, so what I mean is, we is a team of creatives who are not afraid to get in the ring and go toe to toe with that pussycat Googlebot wanker all the other SEO's are scared shizzleless of. Knart a meen? I decided to write down some guiding words for all you lil dolls and dollettes out there who are wondering just how we at Live Toast manage to hit the crest of the Google wave every time it comes around. See what I did there? Never mind. Anyway, if you wanna hit the top of Goog, here are the three secret guru sherpa ninja moves that are guaranteed to put the dollars in your breadbin, an' that bread round your cat's face, 'cos it's a meme, y'all. That's right, I said a MEME, and I'll be explaining about what a meme is in just a lil while. Once I've looked it up. Actually, forget I even mentioned it. I can't be bothered.
1. Create a Wikipedia Account.
The first thing you should do, on your first morning in your new job as a Google Murderin' SEO, is register on Wikipedia. In case you don't know what Wikipedia is, it's an online version of them big collections of books that all had the exact same cover that the sissy nerdy kids used to have in their bedrooms back in the day. Cyclo-Peedias, they called 'em. Wikipedia is written by thousands of losers who have no life, all over the world. And get this: THEY DON'T EVEN GET PAID! These clowns think the world is grateful to them for building this massive library of facts and figures, when in fact the world is laughing at them and saying, "You freakin' sad biatches, why are you giving all your knowledge away to strangers? Now move over, I need to edit this crap!"
And that's what you do - edit the bejasus outta Wikipedia. Find articles that have something to do with your subject at hand (or not, I don't give a $#$%), and just add in some glowing praise of your company with about 20 to 30 links to your website. If it's possible to change the title of the Wiki page to your company's name, just do it! Sometimes those loser nerds will change it back again, because their lives are so empty and crap they literally have nothing better to do with their time. So while we slick bastards are out feelin' up the chicks at hot clubs (and then melting into the crowd so they don't point us out to the bouncers) those pathetic spotty-faced nancy boys will be crapping all over your good work by manually changing it back, tutting like old ladies the whole while. Be sure to keep at least 100 Wikipedia accounts open at any given time, so when they ban you from Wikipedia you just laugh in their general direction and go right on building your links and changing stuff around. Also, you can have some fun by writing insulting things in there about people. I once wrote on the Nirvana page, "COURTNEY KILLED CURT, THAT NO-GOOD BIATCH!", but someone else had gone on there before me and wrote a load of mumbo-jumbo about Indian religions. Ha! There are some crazy SEOs out there, and sometimes our ships cross in the night, I guess.
2. Bribe or Become a Google Quality Rater.
Google Quality Raters are a different kind of loser from the Wikipedia losers. These guys at least get paid for what they do, so it's kind of like a job. A part-time loser job for single-parent moms, agoraphobics, weirdoes and schmucks who daren't leave the house except to go buy cat food for the love of their lives. THESE are the damaged goods who get to say whether your site sucks or not! How insulting is that? None of them even know what SEO is, or Web marketing. They just sit there like cows, clicking around in a stupor, and all the search results depend on what these part-timers think. They're not programmers, or designers or even content developers. Nope, they're just these terrified little control freaks who have nobody to love but their cat and a houseplant they've nurtured for generations. That's why they're so easy to corrupt. You just have to find out where these people live and wait outside their dingy little homes. Once you see them watering their plant or letting their cat lick their mouth, gently - gently - tap on their window and ask politely could you have a word. When they come to the door, show them you mean business by stuffing a $20 bill into their hand and refusing to let them give it back. A loud "You've been served" doesn't go amiss either. Then pull them close and affect a gravel voice. Say, "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse..." Losers like them probably haven't seen the Godfather so don't worry about sounding cliched.
Once you have your Google Quality Rater on the payroll, you move on to another one, then another one. The aim is to have at least 50 Quality Raters in your pocket, and then to get them to triangulate their ratings so that your sites all go right to that sweet #1 spot in Google. It's easy!
As for becoming a Quality Rater, have some %*&^%#@ self-respect! What are you, an old woman?!
3. Terrorize Matt Cutts into Liking You.
If the first two steps to Google heaven aren't working, don't worry. Step 3 is for you. This one can be tricky. Sticking with the Godfather theme (and I can't believe nobody has tried this yet), here's what you do: Leave a severed panda's head in Matt Cutts' bed! Huh?! Can you IMAGINE..? Y'see, the panda is a symbol of Google Panda, but it's a real freakin' panda, well, a panda's head at any rate, and it's horrible, dude. All bloody and teethy with bulging eyes, right there next to him in bed! I'm gonna tell you something now that you better keep to yourself. Don't link to this article, whatever you do, 'cos we can be traced and prosecuted for this. One night, we Toasties went and kidnapped a flippin' panda from the zoo with the intention of chopping its head off and putting it in Cutts' bed. Problem was, the darned thing was just so cute and cuddly none of us had the heart to do the loveable little bastard in. We ended up keeping it. That's right, it lives here in the office. Has its own desk and everything. Obviously, if you decide to go this awesome route we cannot surrender our panda to you; you'll have to steal your own. But keep it in mind. Matt Cutts will be so horrified he'll have you in every #1 spot for every half-decent term in your niche in no time. Otherwise, tell him you'll leave ANOTHER panda head in his bed. And maybe even some panda poop. That'll learn him.
We hope this 3-Step knowledge serves you well, fellow SEO's. Just stick with it and you will be as great as us one day. Just don't go shouting it from the rooftops, 'cos this info is hot. You can thank us later. And you're quite welcome.