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Kobe Mayan Prophecy

While it would be easy for me to sit here and mock the 2012 NBA Dunk Contest as the worst ever (and I certainly will), there were far worse things that occurred this past weekend. Things that make me truly believe the Mayans were right and 2012 will be the apocalyptic end of the world, namely Nicki Minaj’s All-Star Weekend performance and Kobe Bryant saying he is the second-best basketball player of all time. Of course, there were some good things that happened this weekend as well, like the best dunk of the weekend when Ryan Seacrest got the ashes of Kim Jong Il dunked on him by that annoying Borat/Bruno guy at the Oscars. The good was far outweighed by the bad however, so let me break down each catastrophic event of this past weekend in more detail.

The 2012 NBA Dunk Contest

Black lights, blindfolds, motorcycles, references to “White Men Can’t Jump,” P. Diddy, B-list NBA players; I couldn’t tell if this was the NBA’s version of Cirque De Soleil meets the Super Bowl halftime show or if David Stern was trying to replace the Magic Johnson Talk Show as the worst televised basketball event in history. All of a sudden the NFL Pro Bowl is no longer the worst All-Star event in major professional sports. When the night started out with P. Diddy, I knew it would be all downhill from there. Puffy said that his favorite basketball movie of all-time was “White Men Can’t Jump,” so the Houston Rockets’ Chase Budinger (who?) donned a backward hat a la Woody Harrelson and dunked over Diddy. It was surprisingly the best assist Puff Daddy has had since the Notorious B.I.G. “Take that, take that…Bad boy.” After that, however, it became a contest to see who could perform dunks that have already been done with the addition of ridiculous props. Derrick Williams dunked over a motorcycle, Woody Harrelson dunked with a blindfold on that he could obviously see through and the eventual winner Jeremy Evans (where are all these people named Jeremy coming from?) dunked over the 4 foot 5 inch comedian Kevin Hart. The most impressive misuse of props came when some guy from the Indiana Pacers brought out black lights, a neon ball and a neon Indiana Pacers outfit, turned out the lights in the stadium, and dunked in the dark. It could have been the best dunk of the night but I couldn’t see it. They should have just left the lights off.

Nicky Minaj’s All-Star Performance

I guess the people who organized the performers for All Star weekend must have missed the Grammies when Nicky Minaj exorcised the demons and screeched worse than Beelzebub himself in a performance that made making fun of the Catholic Church no longer cool. Nonetheless, Nicki Minaj was invited to bring her unique Dr.-Seuss-meets-Fran-Drescher rapping style talents to South Beach. Or Orlando, I couldn’t keep track there were so many Heat players there this weekend, although not one of them won anything. Anyway, Nicki Minaj came out in some kind of space-cheerleader outfit with neon-colored hair and proceeded to sing/rap/cackle about something or other. Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown are turning over in their one-bedroom apartments right now, as Nicki Minaj has personally set female rap back to pre-Women’s Suffrage status. In the words of Dave Chapelle as the Playa Hater Silky Johnson, “What can I say about that performance that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan?”

Kobe Bryant Declares Himself the Second-best NBA player Ever

Now it’s no secret that I hate Kobe like Kobe hates passing the ball. “Hate, hate, hate.” But now I fear he is simply delusional, although he did say this before suffering a mild concussion courtesy of a Dwayne Wade clothesline. In the All-Star Game on Sunday, Kobe Bryant wasn’t even the second-best player in the game. If Kobe Bryant is the second-best player ever, then Charles Barkley is the second-best NBA Champion ever. I could go on (Twitter viral idea #secondbestever?) but I won’t. I haven’t seen thoughts this delusional since Moammar “Tragedy” Khadafi said he was “loved by his people” and there were “no protestors in Tripoli.” Or when M.C. Hammer thought it would be a good idea to release another album. Kareem Abdul-Jabar is the greatest Laker of all-time, and Jerry West and Magic Johnson are probably better players than Kobe. Which brings me to my conclusion: if Kobe Bryant, Nicki Minaj and the 2012 NBA Dunk Contest are any indication, the world will end on 12-12-12. If it does, I’ll tweet “2012 is the second-best year ever, according to Kobe #secondbestever” as California slides into the ocean and fire rains down from the sky.

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