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The Weekly Toast 12/16/11

December 16, 2011


Damon FAIL…Sheen FAIL…Jagger FAIL…

• Christian Bale was rough-housed by plain clothes Chinese police after attempting to visit a controversial Chinese lawyer who was under house arrest. Bale claimed he just wanted to shake the man’s hand. He happened to have a CNN camera crew in tow for the potential handshake.

• Matt Damon and Jimmy Kimmel brought out the ugly side of kids with crappy gifts.

• The Golden Globe nominations were announced. In the words of stiffed “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” director David Fincher, we’ll finally answer the question “Apples or oranges?”

• Charlie Sheen failed this week when a tweet strangely intended for Justin Bieber instead went out to Sheen's 5 million followers with his personal cell number. The tweet read: Call me bro. C

• Farmville raised $1 billion in farm coins during its IPO.

• The National Defense Authorization Act passed despite nobody wanting it to.

• CERN scientists announced that they almost found the elusive Higgs Boson god particle, but not quite.

• Time named its Person of the Year, and it was a protester. The spread featured protest celebrities Tim Pool, Occupy Wall Street’s streaming media journalist, and Riot Dog.

• Howard Stern was hired to dash the hopes of aspiring entertainers from all over the country as the new host of America’s Got Talent.

• Britney Spears got engaged, fittingly, to a manager.

• For approximately one second it looked like Lady GaGa was going to play Amy Winehouse in a biopic about the tortured singer’s life. That was before Winehouse’s father swooped in and denied that the family would ever license music rights for a film.

• Hassidic reggae singer Matisyahu shaved his beard in a move away from the Orthodox Jewish lifestyle he had adopted, but still attended synagogue.

• teamed up with J.Lo and Mick Jagger to release the biggest turd of a pop song the world has ever seen. In the video for the single titled T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever, and we’re not even going to go there), runs, then bikes, then motor bikes, then drives, then flies, then takes a train, then a rocket ship into outer space while Jennifer Lopez writhes around in a leotard on a tv screen before Mick Jagger shows up in space like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey to sing the lyrics “Hard like geology. And trigonometry.” seems to be traveling from wherever he mailed in his lyrics.

• Sacha Baron Cohen may have topped his previous over-the-top ethnic stereotypes with the trailer for his new film The Dictator.

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