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The Weekly Toast 11/18/11

November 18, 2011

THIS WEEK:

Courtney melts down…Demi and Ashton split up…the Biebz rides again…

• Michael Jackson’s death bed, sans mattress (his death bed-frame?), was pulled from auction after whoever was in charge of it came to his senses.

• Courtney Love continued to blame everyone but herself during a meltdown in Brazil after someone held up a picture of Kurt Cobain. Love dropped the F-bomb on everyone from Dave Grohl to anyone who tries to “steal money from my kid’s table” before walking offstage.

• Justin Bieber’s name was cleared after TMZ leaked incriminating texts from his alleged baby-mama which named the true baby-daddy.

• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher took separate trains to splitsville this week after six years on the set of their marriage.

• The Compton Unified School District was shocked this week to discover that in addition to starring in the acclaimed HBO series Entourage as a porn star, actor Sasha Gray is also a real life porn star. The confusion arose after Gray had been invited to read books to elementary school children.

• The Supreme Court positioned itself to determine the fate of the sweeping health care reform bill that has been the US government’s hacky sack since it first passed in 2009. Members of the Supreme Court prepared for arguments by attending a private dinner with pharmaceutical companies.

• An Internet Piracy Act that would effectively shut down the Internet went to Congress this week. Like Prohibition before it, the Protect IP Act is full of the kind of dangerous, delusionary thinking that closet autocrats in Congress love to champion. The fact that the largest tech companies in the country will profit from it is only inconveniently true.

• The Congressional Supercommittee, much like an average committee, threatened to punt from inside the 25 in the fourth quarter with only seconds remaining.

• The NYPD raided the Occupy Wall Street encampment at Zuccotti Park, ejecting protesters and throwing over 5,000 books into a dumpster. The Occupiers retaliated on Thursday by Occupying Wall Street, Fifth Avenue, Union Square and eventually the Brooklyn Bridge with between 20 and 30,000 people before returning to Zuccotti. Police looked strangely brutal as they manned checkpoints in the financial district, beat protesters and defended public spaces from…the public. The Catwoman Anne Hathaway attended.

• The first full-length trailer for the highly-anticipated Hunger Games was released, depicting a parody of downtown Manhattan.

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