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The Weekly Toast 11/11/11

November 11, 2011

THIS WEEK:

Lindsay Lohan has it locked up…ugly sweaters rule…Tyson channels Cain…

• Rather than go on a second night in a row hopped up on steroids and antibiotics, “black James Taylor” Frank Ocean postponed his New York show with the hope of salvaging the rest of his debut solo tour and his million-dollar voice. Fans who showed up to the Bowery early got a free hat.

• Drake’s eagerly-awaited sophomore album Take Care leaked this week to rave reviews proving once and for all that music is at least as important to the Toronto native as ugly expensive sweaters.

• Jay Z’s Rocawear label started selling Occupy All Streets t-shirts to remind people that Hova is not above cashing in on any street.

• Pitbull counter-sued Lindsay Lohan after realizing that the lyric “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan” is justified by her multiple prison sentences.

• Now That We Found Love rapper Heavy D, 60 Minutes reporter Andy Rooney and Family Circus creator Bill Keane died this week.

• New Amy Winehouse tracks surfaced, Michael Jackson’s doctor was sentenced and John Lennon’s tooth fetched $31,000 at auction.

• Legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno was fired in a fog of shame and disgust, Brett Ratner resigned from producing the Oscars in a haze of embarrassment and Eddie Murphy skipped out on hosting the Oscars to work on the screenplay for Jamal and Tyrell and Omar and Brick and Michael's Wack-ass Weekend.

• Julie Taymor sued the producers of Spider-Man for a minimum of $1 million in compensation for violating her creative rights after becoming eligible for a Tony for Best Director.

• The invisible hand of Steve Jobs finally forced Adobe to kill Flash and the US initiated the first test of its emergency broadcast system. It was only a test.

• The field of GOP contenders continued their parade of mediocrity. Rick Perry signed his own death warrant when he floundered helplessly on live television while trying to remember which federal agencies he’d like to cut. The resurrection of Mike Tyson as a comic actor continued with his portrayal of Herman Cain as an English-language-challenged nut job in the best thing to happen to electoral politics since Tina Fey channeled Sarah Palin.

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